After much hemming and hawing and gnashing of teeth, I’ve decided on my direction in life. I can’t imagine how happy you all are to hear this, I know that my care-free attitude and irresponsible ways have kept you awake at night. (When will that girl get her life together? The suspense is killing meeee.) Well, you know, peace be unto you, friends, for I come bearing news that you might find mildly interesting!
I have decided to write a book.
I KNOW, right? Yea, but so there’s only this one teensy problem where I don’t have any ideas as to subject matter or genre or really anything, mostly because I don’t have any “expertise” or “knowledge” of any subject like at all. I pretty much know about shopping for sweaters and painting my nails. That’s like, maybe three chapters? So since I am self-centered and lazy, I was thinking my best shot might be to focus on amusing anecdotes about my awkward childhood and subsequent awkward adulthood, a timeline which was interrupted by an anomalous time in high school where I was cool and interacted with people (I wasn’t cool) (but I thought I was cool). I could turn my own experiences into lessons for today’s at-risk youth, or (more likely) just a vague guide about how to hide your lifelong candy addiction from your boyfriend and your dentist (but not really your dentist. He knows). Isn’t this an exciting time where anything is possible?
So as it stands right now, I am going to write a book with no point or subject, ascribing no particular genre, with no tone of voice. Oh, and no overall message either. It’s going to be great and probably awkward, because that’s how I roll. I’d like to note that I will not be using the word awkward as much in my book as I have in this post.
But what better platform to sort out your ideas and thoughts and money-making schemes for best sellers than on your internet blog, right? I mean this thing is already chock full of gold, stories words, so in a way I’m already on the road to published authordom and I didn’t even know it. The truth of the matter is this: literally all of the blogs I read on the regular are in the process of writing their books. Sure, most of them are cartoons or food blogs, but that’s not the point. The point is that I want a book, and that I shouldn’t be hindered by the ever-growing list of things I can’t do. So expect a lot more really fucking awkward childhood stories, links to sweaters that I want to buy, pictures/videos/christmas cards of my cats, and other riveting tidbits about living life as a person like me. I’ll get the ball even rolling-er with a super interesting dream I had last night and told everyone about:
I dreamed that myself and what I assume was most of my graduating high school class were at a graduation party for ourselves, but as our current 25-year-old selves. I spent the entire dream earnestly thanking our senior class president for his years of service, and slow-shaking his hand.
I’d say we’re off to a rip-roarin’ start, wouldn’t you?
Also, Jesse, apparently I’d really like to thank you for years of dedicated service to our class.