It’s Time to Get Serious About Christmas

Like, really fucking serious. As in, I am going to kick Christmas’s ass, and then make it my bitch/slave. Christmas will be like, “‘Tis the season!” and I’ll be all, “SHUT UP CHRISTMAS, I WILL KILL YOU!” And then Christmas will go back to vacuuming the stairs because I hate vacuuming stairs.

Every November, and I mean every November, I think to myself, “I am going to kick SO much Christmas ASS this year”, and not in the hostile, violent way that I meant it in the previous paragraph. I always start out with every intention of decorating whatever living space I reside in, writing lists, getting everyone’s presents early, wrapping them in a stress-free environment, and maybe even sending out Christmas cards with all the extra time I have. Just so I can be like, “Yea, you’re getting a Christmas card from me because I was that prepared and awesome. Oh, and happy holidays.”

Instead, what happens is this: The month of November tricks me into thinking that Christmas is a ways away, and that I have tons of time to get everything done. Then I get caught up in all of the Thanksgiving frivolity, and before I can have leftovers for the 10th time, it’s December.

But it’s only the beginning of December, and Christmas is at the end, which is sooo far away! Like, weeks and weeks!

Then one day I’ll be at work, making appointments for a patient, and they’re like, “OK so I have next weeks appointments, and then the week after that is Christmas…” HOLD THE PHONE, Sir. The week after next is most certainly not Christmas, because I have prepared exactly nothing, and that can’t be right. Unless…no, wait. It is. God. Damn it.

And that is when the two-week anxiety period begins.

I’ll start out by making some cursory attempts at online shopping during work, like you saw a couple days ago. When this fails because I am flying by the seat of my pants and can’t commit to a decision/budget/Amazon account, I’ll start writing lists of who exactly I need to buy for and what I should get them. I’ll come up with a few awesome, unexpected gift ideas for a select few people, and hope that the rest just come to me in my sleep or something.

Inevitably, two or more of the awesome present ideas I had willfall through due to lack of money, time, or both, and I will have to resort to hand-making the present. My thought process is “Everyone likes something handmade!” but I am lying to myself, because that’s really only if the gift-giver is under the age of 9 and/or possesses a talent worthy of being given as a gift. Like a painting or some kind of pottery.  Not an origami crane mobile, which is the best and possibly only thing I can come up.

Mine would definitely turn out worse than this.

–If you like what you see, I can totally make you an origami crane mobile for Christmas this year!– Also, don’t be sad if you get an origami crane mobile from me this year. Remember all the intent I had earlier? Such wonderful intent…–

Before I know it, it’s three days before Christmas and I am still waiting for all of the presents that I ordered to come in. I have two half-finished origami crane mobiles, and no way to wrap them. Forget about Christmas cards, because as it turns out, I am not that awesome.

What I’m trying to say is GOD DAMN YOU CHRISTMAS. This might not be your fault in any conceivable way, but I am making it your fault! Vacuum under the couch. RIGHT NOW!