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The internet is a magical place, part 1.

I do this thing where, when I see a funny video or gif or something, I tell everyone I know and then sit them down and force them to watch whatever it is while I stand just behind them and try to hold back my laughter. I understand that this is a social no-no; I’m basically threatening these poor people, lurking behind them with my poorly concealed laughter, daring them to find something wrong with this obviously perfect specimen of comedic gold.

That being said, the internet has been very good to me lately so I have been doing a LOT of sharing. I don’t know if you guys know this, but animals yelling like humans or making otherwise ridiculous noises is pretty much the funniest thing in the entire universe. Seeing a goat imitate a chicken literally changed my life.

So here are the things that make me laugh uncontrollably every time I watch them, arranged for your private viewing enjoyment. Know that though I might not be right behind you right now, I could be.

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Winter is coming and staying for the rest of your miserable life.

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There’s nothing quite like snowstorm after unrelenting snowstorm to remind you of your low tolerance for cold, snow, ice, and winter in general. Maine is great (she said through clenched teeth), but it never quite takes a break from, um, being Maine? Just saying, a two or three day break from tap dancing around sheets of ice on the side walk would be a thrilling change of pace.

Obviously there are some aspects of winter in Maine that make it positively bearable. It’s nice(?) to snuggle up in your apartment for an entire 24 hour period and watch three feet of snow fall outside your window. Having your car completely buried by snow drifts, save the headlights? A Kodak moment indeed. Walking anywhere, at all, ever, is an ADVENTURE! And don’t even talk to me about the layers. The idea that pants can be worn without tights and knee socks underneath doesn’t even make sense to me any more. What are you even saying right now.

Even something normal like going to buy groceries is a community event. I don’t think I’m imagining all the solidaritous nods from our fellow frazzled shoppers: “Come join us, we all made it here without crashing our cars also! We’re all in this together, aren’t we!”, and then return to the business of shopping at lightening speed, before the parking lot becomes an inescapable nightmare, which it will, and does.

It’s a good thing I’ve mastered the art of positive thinking!

Of course, this might all just be my pathetic lack of any winter-appropriate footwear talking.

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You Can/Can’t Do Anything: Vol. 1

One of the best ways that I’ve found to make true and lasting friendships is a two step process:

Step 1: You must fully and utterly humiliate yourself in front of your perspective friend at least once, ideally while they are still mostly a stranger. If you are shy, tequila will help you to loosen up and be yourself. And then, later, it will help you tell your new friend all of your secrets and fears and embarrassing stories in chronological order, leading right up to, if time permits, the present moment.

Step 2: Go home and go to sleep. Upon waking, spend the morning crafting a heartfelt, self effacing text message begging their pardon, hit send, and watch the years of forever friendship come rolling in. Because: Friends aren’t really friends until someone has received a morning-after apology text.

This method has literally never failed me.

As such, I have started to wonder whether or not the slow but steady sabotage of my professional life has really been an effort to create a similar phoenix-like rising from the ashes effect, from which the rest of my career (whatever that is) will come bursting forth. I mean, this is definitely a more apt reason for my perpetual and unshakeable inability to be on time, right? I mean, moreso than just a really terrible sense of time.

Photo on 2013-01-14 at 16.39

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2013!

I’m nothing if not pathologically late for everything so, ever true to form, here is my first post of the new year.

Wow guys, it’s 2013! Would ya look at that.  I admit, I am pretty hopeful about 2013. I don’t necessarily condone the use of phrases like “rock bottom” (because that makes you sound dramatic) or the suggestion that an entire year can be a giant turd, stinking up everyone’s life all the time (because that makes you sound ungrateful for the good things) but…2012 could have been better in a number of pretty critical ways. It had it’s wonderful moments, of course: moving into a much more spacious apartment, hanging out with friends, talking on the phone, going to the mall, making new friends, iced americanos, getting a new couch, oh and GETTING ENGAGED?!?! That alone moved this year up from an F to a solid C.

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But 2013, man…2013 has that certain something, and it’s not just that it will be the year of our wedding. I see greatness in 2013’s eyes.  Again, not one to say things like “no where to go but up,” but people who do say that might say that if they looked at certain circumstances of certain people‘s lives. So 2013 looks fucking great! Like a magical fairytale land where nothing bad will happen and everything will work out and we will all do the things we want to do, all the time. Can’t wait to do lots of potentially weird stuff to it.

Love you guys forever.

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Time, and its ceaseless passing.

This past week was more eventful than should be allowed by god or man. Thank goodness for the endless candy (and the more reclusive hidden candy, hidden by me, somewhere) with which we energized our minds and bodies, bringing us happily through this busy Halloween season.

Saturday, October 27 2012

Eric’s band had a Halloween show//costume party last Saturday, so being the groupie that I am, my costume coincided with the band’s theme of “Grease”. I guess I was shooting for Cha Cha, yunno: the slutty, gum-chewing 45-year-old who won that dance contest with John Travolta, but not his heart. Of course, Eric went as Sandra Dee so….we made a really attractive couple. My Cha Cha wasn’t what I would call “accurate”, but…Sandy had a beard, so I think we broke even.sponsored by youtube hair tutorials.so scary.

Monday. The Frankenstorm. Hurricane Sandy. We got off pretty easy here in Maine, with not much more than some intense wind and rain. The same can’t be said for New Jersey and New York; It’s strange being so far away from our home state while something as huge and devastating as this storm is affecting all of our family and friends in the area so universally. Most of our peeps were without power for the better part of a week, and some still are. Luckily everyone made it out without any bodily injury, but there is still a long way to go to repair the insane amount of damage done to the area.

Wednesday, October 21, 2012

And then, without warning, Halloween was upon us. As I wholeheartedly welcome any opportunity to wear cat makeup for the day, I dressed for the occasion. Working at a toy store on Halloween was maybe a little less exciting than you are imagining, mostly because we employees were the only one’s dressed up. Don’t children sometimes go into stores for trick or treating? Is that a thing? In any case, I ate basically all of the candy we had for the trick or treaters. They have no one to blame but themselves.but really, dat cupcake.hand made ears, though....this is happening.

Wednesday Night, October 31, 2012

Later on, Eric and I donned our costumes (or our hybrid costume mutations, as they were) and attempted to see the Thriller vs. Purple Rain show down town, but were thwarted by the entire human-and-elsewise population of Portland, who were already there and in line and drunk by the time we arrived. We consoled ourselves with pizza and the unintelligible shouting of drunkards, which echoed all around us during our walk home.halloween surprises//easily answered questions.cat costume and...something else.Image

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Wasting no time whatsoever, we made the transition from Halloween to Thanksgiving on Saturday with a sure-to-become annual celebration of Friendsgiving! Our friends Anna and Andy hosted, and everyone brought something amazing to eat, and the whole night was so much fun, and I stuffed myself so full of pie that it was not to be believed.my new favorite holiday!

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Dead Snow = Blood Snow

= just…blood. Everywhere. All over.

Starting this horror movie marathon with Dead Snow was simultaneously the best and worst idea ever, a.) because it was actually good and b.) but, it was actually good and the only place to go from here is down. But, as Jack Donaghey and that movie about breaking your leg while climbing a mountain both said, into the crevasse. And whatnot. Don’t break your leg while mountain climbing.

So Dead Snow was kind of great, and not just because I am partial to Norwegian movies with Norwegian actors filmed in Norway.

According to Wikipedia, when sitting down to write the screenplay, the writers asked themselves “what’s more evil than zombies” and came up with—Nazi Zombies! And I mean, yea. Literally no one could argue with that. So basically this group of students go up to a cabin in the mountains of Norway and get drunk for about five seconds before the bloodbath gets going.

So, in essence, (and, in reality) what happens is: During WWII, some Nazi’s set up shop in this Norwegian village, kill some people and steal some valuables, as they are wont to do. The villagers get cranks and decide to kill the Nazi’s but I guess they just end up running them out of town and into the mountains of Norway? Where it is assumed that they froze to death. Which is true! Except they are the kind of dead that is actually alive, and wants to eat your kidneys. So the kids in the cabin unearth these hidden valuables, causing the Nazi’s to awaken, causing all manner of unseemly and intestine-centric shenanigans to occur.

Specific highlights include: outhouse sex, sex while pooping, heads getting ripped in half, the sewing of neck wounds with fish hooks, accidental disembowelment via tree branch, lots and lots of intestine eating, and much much MUCH more (intestine eating). Dead Snow may be super campy and ridiculous, but it also showers you in a warm, never ending stream of blood and guts at the same time. It does a really good job of showing how many different ways the human head can be um…crushed?  Also, it shines some light on the world of zombie hierarchy, as these zombies seem to have maintained some sense of rank. I mean, they still wear their uniforms. Also they have a cave where they live/don’t live/keep their guns and helmets when they aren’t murdering unsuspecting cabin dwellers. So! You should watch it!

And here ends the worlds shortest movie marathon ever. Happy Halloween!

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